2. #1 VIGIL MOURNERS!

Look how many candles we have! We are the most sad AND the least scary! There is nothing hidden in my halal cart. Trust us. Now.

3. WE ARE NOTHING!

The government has created a new secret spy program called See Something Say Something! But you can't see something if we are nothing!

4. EGYPT IS ON THE PHONE!

Mona, this is a very important phone call. We are speaking to our relatives in Egypt. This is a very expensive call, but of course I got us a phone card that is very cheap. It is very important that you make our move across the world seem worth it. Make us look good! Now.

5. VERY GOOD HATE CRIME!

Hateful, but helpful. The best hate crime I have ever seen. I love this country.

6. DAUGHTER PRESIDENT!

The school election is just as important as the presidential election and only one of them is rigged. Soon my daughter will run the world! While my son wastes away. Inshallah.

7. INSHALLAH PUBES!

Rumi, once they grow down there, they leave your head. I’m sorry son. It’s time for you to grow up. You will be a bald man by high school.

8. A SLEEPOVER WITH MR. PRESIDENT!

We love you Mr. Bush. Feel free to stay at our house, and torture our family. We cannot wait to visit this Guantanamo Bay! It sounds beautiful.